Maria Comes to Hogwarts
by JazzMind
Summary: The new chapter is up, finally. A new student named Maria comes to Hogwarts and causes mild chaos. This fic mentions Severus Snape a bit. It may be a Mary-Sue, but the Sue isn't me. Read and snjoy!
1. Hello, Hogwarts!

Disclaimer: JKR doesn't own my plot, or Maria. The rest she can have. Except for Severus. I get him.  
  
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Maria looked at the hat. "Are you sure about this?" She asked.  
  
Dumbledore looked at her with amusement. "Put the hat on, Marilliti."  
  
She glared at the worn and dirty piece of headwear. It was humming softly to itself. She placed it on her head. *Hello.*  
  
**And what House do you want to be in?** It asked sweetly.  
  
*Ravenclaw.*  
  
**Ok.** Maria was getting very suspicious of this hat. It immediately confirmed her suspicions.  
  
"GRYFF- argle."  
  
She growled under her breath. *You better not...*  
  
**You belong there, you know.**  
  
*Shut up and put me somewhere.*  
  
**Anywhere?** The hat had a hint of resentment in it's tone.  
  
*Go on.*  
  
(sigh) "Slythrin."  
  
The hall cheered in confusion. She hopped off the chair, bowed gracefully to the frowning hat, and walked to the Slythrin table, her robes trailing behind her.  
  
After dinner, in the Slythrin common room, she frowned at the bare stone walls and chilly atmosphere. "Warmate Decorato." The walls blazed green, and when the aura faded, there were comfortable tapestries on the walls, two more couches covered in soft gray and green, and a roaring fire in the fireplace. A rug that was obviously wool, but was patterned in green snake scales covered the stone floor. When you walked on it, a trail of tiny moving snakes within the fabric followed your footsteps.  
  
A boy appeared in front of her. She had not been introduced to him. His hair was pale, long, and slicked-back. His eyes were cold. "What do you think you are doing, first-year?" he spat it like an insult.  
  
The other new Slythrins crowded around. Some sneered. Some looked afraid that they might be in her place someday. Some obviously wanted a fight.  
  
*No help there.* She turned to face him, and gave him her best "Hello, damn you're cute" smile. "Dumbledore did say to make ourselves at home."  
  
Snape walked in, and looked around. A path for him appeared through the crowd. "Draco, what happened to the commonroom?"  
  
Draco snarled. "I'm just about to find out." He pushed her. The crowd of students caught her and threw her back.  
  
Maria looked up at Snape. "Carry on, Draco, " she murmured. Snape looked at her. What he saw was a girl who was having fun... and a fifth-year that was going to shortly be in over his head.  
  
Snape nodded. "I have some work to do. Remember, curfew is going to be enforced."  
  
Draco grinned and shoved her again. "Huh, bitch? You messed up my common room! You gonna put it right for me?"  
  
She smiled. "Maybe." She danced out of the way long enough to draw her wand. "Or maybe I'll just make you match it." She waved the wand and muttered under her breath. "Colorum personius!" Malfoy turned an eye- hurting shade of bright green.  
  
The commonroom fell over laughing, and she took her chance to escape to the female fifth-year's bedroom. It was empty, but held five beds and sets of luggage.  
  
She traded her luggage for that on the bed by the fireplace, waved her wand once more, and relaxed in the now much plusher room.  
  
As she drifted off to sleep in an attempt to appease her horribly jetlagged body, she smiled. *This is going to be fun.*  
  
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I am having fun. This isn't recreation, this is a story idea not letting me alone until I write it. The second chapter is incoming. 


	2. This Is Going To Be Fun

I just took down this chapter, reworked it, and reposted it. That doesn't mean that you are excused from reviewing. Look at this thing. Four reviews for two chapters? It isn't _that_ bad, people. Come on.  
  
JKR owns the world. I claim Maria. Any horrible things I may to do to Snape... are Guillermo's fault.  
  
Oh, and I'm just counting the song as common property.  
  
Plot? Believe me, it's going to be fun.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
In the Gryffindor common room, the traditional beginning of year party was going on. Ron, Hermione, and Harry sat in a (relatively) quiet corner, letting the happy fireworks (and bursts of feathers, when Fred and George could trick someone into eating a Canary Cream) wash over them.  
  
"Did you hear how the hat almost put her in Gryffindor?" Ron was amazed. "And then it choked, sort of, and then it put her in Slythrin."  
  
Harry shrugged, lolling tiredly in the red brocade armchair "Maybe it messed up."  
  
Hermione got that you're-about-to-get-way-too-much-information look on her face. "Maybe she asked it to. You know like how it did to you, Harry? I read in Hogwarts, A History, that sometimes-"  
  
Ron interrupted. "But why would she want to be in Slythrin?"  
  
Harry sighed. All he wanted to do was to fall asleep where he was, and not wake up until Christmas. "I don't know, Ron. Why don't you two talk it over. I'm going to sleep." He pried himself from the chair and staggered up the stairs, with a great deal of help from the banister. He reached the fifth-year dormitory with relief.  
  
Harry Potter, wonder of the Wizarding world, had had a truly horrible summer. First the Dursleys, who were bad enough in the first place. Then the letter from Dumbledore, telling him to come to Hogwarts, that Voldemort was looking for him. On his way there, he was chased over most of England on a flying carpet, and then arriving Hogwarts, only to find Dumbledore nowhere in sight. Only the community of giant spiders in the forest had saved him, and after they had driven off the Dark Wizard, Hagrid fortunately showed up to keep them from eating him. He still had nightmares about cobwebs.  
  
Harry was... tired. He was therefore not in the mood, when he lay down, to sit on something hard. It was, he found after a few inventive curses, a book. It was titled Ways To Survive Potions, and he had no idea how it had gotten there. *If it's Ron's, he'll find it.* Harry grunted, pitched the book to the floor, drew the curtains around his bed, and went to sleep.  
  
~*~  
  
In her room, Maria pretended to be asleep when the other girls staggered wearily in, to fall into their beds without even showering. They appeared to be both exhausted extremely drunk. (What is it with Slythrins and beer?) Still, she kept her wand by her side until she heard the last one begin to snore. Only when the fifth set of drawn-out near-roars assaulted her ears did she finally swing out of bed and don her pale lavender nightrobe.  
  
She cursed silently as her tired muscles complained at this further abuse. *I am going to be absolutely worthless tomorrow.* She had barely had enough energy to defend herself from Malfoy. She almost gave up and collapsed back into bed, but there were some things she just had to know before classes started tomorrow. *Actually, today. God, I'm tired.* On the first night of school, none of the teachers would be patrolling the halls. They would be trusting to the House Parties to keep the students under control, if not to get them to sleep. *Teachers are strange.*  
  
~*~  
  
Albus Dumbledore reclined in his study, looking over a letter he had received from the Department of Wizardry. He knew that in the teacher's lounge, his colleagues were having a sedate beginning-of-year party. When he had left, professor Snape had been looking black and sitting in a corner, as usual. Minerva had been slightly tipsy; and Flitwick was busy dueling with Madame Pomfrey. He shook his head. *Magicians are odd about expressing his affections, it seems.* And that as far as _that_ track of thought was going to go.  
  
Uninvited, several thoughts attacked him at once. *Snape needs a girlfriend.* Also, *Flitwick has a crush on Pomfrey. Why did I not notice that until they started trying to knock each other senseless?* And, as both a final embarrassment and an answer to his question, *McGonnagal tipsy? I wonder she's drunk enough to need me to tuck her in.*  
  
At that moment, he decided to give up on the paperwork and go tell Maria, wherever she was, to go to bed. *Not even two hours of the Knight Bus and a battle with her parents would be enough to keep her from exploring tonight.* It was no mystery to him how she had reversed the hat's opinion of her appropriate house; he knew of her aversion to Gryffindor. *What I _don't_ understand is why she chose Slythrin.*  
  
~*~  
  
*Perhaps I never will.*  
  
Professor (Severus) Snape had taken sought refuge in the darkness of his quarters shortly after Flitwick and Poppy had both fallen asleep in their feuding tracks. *I do _not_ understand why they dislike each other so. And why on earth was Minerva singing that foolish song?* Unbidden, the nonsensical lyrics play in his head. "Sitting in a tree..."  
  
Snape drops off to sleep after reviewing his lesson plans for tomorrow in his head. He does not return to his first thought, even though it is one which he broods on often. If the lyrics are even somewhat accurate, he may have quite an excuse to muse on it, and soon.  
  
"First comes love..."  
  
~*~  
  
Padding softly through the darkened and chilly halls of Hogwarts, Maria hears a swish of robes that could only be Dumbledore's. *Damn.*  
  
He sees her. With an effort, his face becomes stern. "Marilliti..."  
  
*Oh, god. No!!! *  
  
"Even pasteurized couch-products require sleep..."  
  
"I'll get some. I promise." Anything. Just don't mention my mother.  
  
"And not, I hope, in you're family's traditional resting spot."  
  
*Or my father!! Or my father!!*  
  
"Good night."  
  
*Thank you thankyouthankyou!*  
  
(A/N: this scene is not integral to the story. It is simply me further confusing people who think they have finally figured out some basic facts about the relations of Maria, Anaheit, and Kate.)  
  
~*~  
  
The next morning, Maria woke up refreshed and ready for anything... provided it was so larger than a dust mote, and had misplaced it's wand.  
  
*Damn, that was stupid.* Overall, she had gotten maybe four hours of sleep. The fifteen-year-old fifth year groaned. *I'm a nine-hour kind of person. Maybe ten. _Damn,_ was that stupid.* For the first time, she closely examines her new roommates. *They're almost as irritating asleep as awake.* Some drooled on their velvet pillows. Others murmured in their sleep. All snored.  
  
*Talk _and_ snore? _Why_ don't they choke?* She took a quick shower to wake up, donned her robes, and looked at herself in the mirror, encrusted with copious and disgusting amounts of silver and jade. Her first thought was, *I wish that decorating spell had some kind of fashion sense.* Her second was, *I look like a raccoon. A _green_ raccoon.*  
  
Rummaging through her trunk, she found a very useful book, one that one of her Muggle friends had gifted her with for her thirteenth birthday, as a joke. "Charms Every Witch Needs In The Morning. Written by Oprah Winfrey." Part of the cover had long ago been turned bright blue by a badly aimed Colorum spell. *Like the one I gave that blonde boy.* It had worn off by now; either that or he had hexed his face off trying to get rid of it, and _then_ it had worn off. Only a very good potionsmaster could brew the concoction to remove the coloration before the spell was set to expire. She now knew that the tall man with the black hair from the common room the other night was Hogwarts' potion-master. She also knew the password to his room and what kind of shampoo he liked. She was looking forward to finding out how good he was at his craft.  
  
*This is going to be _so_ much fun.*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Poor Snape. His life is going to become hell on wheels. Down stairs.  
  
For people who know what I mean, she's going to pull a Fred. Or, for the rest of the world, a HermioneMew.  
  
Don't kill me, the house-elves made me do it.  
  
Just REVIEW the thing! 


	3. Morning Tea

Maria Comes To Hogwarts- Chapter Three  
  
Notes:  
  
The Hufflepuff sigil is a badger. I portray Dumbledore as a horny old codger because I can't help the AD/MM and I don't have time for a romance.  
  
I like Maria. I don't care about how messed up I'm making her life story. You don't need to know any of that for _this_ story. All you need to do is to read the bloody thing and review it. Please. I've worked on this.  
  
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Feeling slightly more human, Maria emerged from the spell-decorated bathroom. Her shoulder-length brown and occasionally wavy hair was up in a slightly spiky ponytail on the back of her head. Underneath her black robes, she wore black pants and a dark green turtleneck. She left off the makeup, put two asprin in a convenient pocket of her robe- she had Arithmancy first, and she got the feeling she was going to need them.  
  
Apparently, none of her roommates were awake yet- wonderful. She could slip down to the dungeons for a quick tour before breakfast. She loved being a new student. Getting horribly lost was an amazing amount of fun.  
  
~*~  
  
In the Gryffindor boy's dormitory, Harry Potter groaned and rolled over. "Go 'way, Ron."  
  
Ron shook his shoulder vigorously. "Bloody 'ell, Harry! You'd think you wanted to miss breakfast."  
  
He pulled the blankets over his head again. "Ugh."  
  
Just then, an imperious knock sounded on the door. "Harry! Ron! Are you in there? We're going to be late!"  
  
Ron stared at the door in disgust and went to go answer it, leaving Harry still unconscious on his bed. Opening it, he sighed. "Bloody 'ell, 'Mione! You can't be late for breakfast."  
  
Her hair was in a fluffy cloud around her head. Ron mentally winced in early-morning confusion. "Aughh." He yawned. "You can go down without us, 'Mione. We'll be right behind you, really." She peered through the partially open door at the room, frowning at the immobile lumps in the beds.  
  
"Where's Harry?"  
  
Ron waved distractedly at the bed. "He's tired. Doesn't bloody want to get up." He hitched the jeans beneath his robes a little lower.  
  
Hermione pushed her way in. Smiling, she drew her wand and said, "Consciousness Immediate!"  
  
Harry jumped straight up in the air, shouting. "Ow, Hermione! That stung!"  
  
Nelville stuck his head out of his curtains. "What's the fuss?" He saw Hermione, yelped, and dove back inside. "I'm naked! Don't look! I'm naked!"  
  
Hermione sighed. "I'll wait in the common room. Hurry up."  
  
Harry rubbed his backside. "Ouch. That felt like a needle."  
  
Ron got a Look on his face. "What were the words for that again? We might be able to spring it on Snape somehow."  
  
Harry grinned. "Good idea." He leaned over and picked up the book he had dropped last night. "Is this yours, Ron?"  
  
Ron looked at it. "Not mine." He noticed something. "Hey, look, Harry, there's a paper inside it." He snatched it. "Hmm. It says, 'Dear Harry. I don't need this if I'm to be in Slythrin; care for it?' Its signed Maria."  
  
Harry looked at it in confusion. "Maria?"  
  
Ron nodded encouragingly. "Yeah. You know, the transfer girl? Do you think 'Mione knows her?"  
  
Harry shook his head. He didn't care. "I'm hungry. Let's take it to breakfast, shall we?"  
  
~*~  
  
Dumbledore smiled as he puttered a bit around his office. He thought he would go to breakfast early and slip a bit of Hangover Potion into Minerva's juice- she was much too proud to drink it herself. He'd have to ask Snape to brew up another batch- with Maria having double Potions tomorrow, he had a feeling it was going to be needed.  
  
~*~  
  
*Oh, damn.* Maria sighed and looked around. She had started out for the dungeons and ended up, mysteriously, in the Hufflepuff common room. She had started out for the dungeons _in_ the dungeons and ended up, mysteriously, in the Hufflepuff common room. *Welcome to my life. Isn't there supposed to be a password?* Well, it wasn't completely wasted. She went to one of the open, airy windows and looked out. Oh! What a view. The morning sunlight illuminated the dew- covered walls of the castle and turned them into silver. She saw the Astronomy corner way off on the other end of the field; there was a tall, dark figure on it that she recognized, after a bit, as her new head-of-house. He turned into the sunlight and a gust of wind whipped his robes around. She smiled affectionately. She was going to put a wince on that sallow face and a slump in that arrogance- and she was going to make it funny. *Time to get out of here before they wake up. They'd probably scream or something.* She headed for the door.  
  
Outside, she was in a corridor that she hadn't gotten in by. *Damn.* She looked around. She frowned. Finally she turned around and stared down the corridor from the other way. *Oh.* She shook her head. *Time for breakfast. I'm ready to eat their sigil.*  
  
~*~  
  
In the main hall, the sky reflected a beautiful and cloudless sky. At the Gryffindor table, the three friends sat talking. Colin Creevey was at the other end of the table, taking photographs between bites. Harry didn't even squirm in embarrassment any more; he had gotten used to it. Of course, eating like a starving thing was helping, too. He hadn't tasted food this good all summer. Hell, when he was running from Voldemort on that gods-be- damned carpet, he hadn't gotten to taste that much food, period.  
  
Through a mouthful of food, Harry said, "So, Hermione. Do you know this Maria?" Actually, it came out a bit like, "au, auauauau, ic oo oh 'is (swallow) Maria?"  
  
She winced. "Eew. Harry, _must_ you?"  
  
Ron's own mouth was full of food, so he chimed in. " 'Ah, 'Arry, 'ust oo?"  
  
Hermione just looked disgusted. Suddenly, she pointed to one end of the hall. "Look! She's here." She gave Harry a little shove. "Go talk to her, will you?"  
  
Harry looked at her as if she had just suggested they major in Divination. "She's a Slythrin, 'Mione. She'd just hex me."  
  
She sighed and stood. "I'll be right back." Ron stared after her, still chewing a bite of deliciously steaming fresh sausage. "Blimey. Does she have courage or what?"  
  
Harry stared at the two worriedly. They were leaning together, conversing. "Neither of them look dead yet."  
  
"Fuzznuts," Ron replied. "They're just working out where to duel." He stood hurriedly and wiped his wrist across his lips. "I'll go save her." Left with no choice, Harry followed behind.  
  
~*~  
  
Re-entering the Astronomy stairway, Professor Severus Snape grimaced. There was still no sign of his new cauldron, and the shopkeeper had promised to have it delivered yesterday. He didn't need it until tomorrow with the double Gryffindor-Slythrin class, but still. He whirled and glared at an approaching second year. Second years had had him for an entire year and were terrified; they had had the summer to build their terror up in their own minds, and they weren't old enough to show a _trace_ of backbone. It was almost too easy. "Five points from Hufflepuff for being late to breakfast." The poor boy just stood, shivering, against a column until the feared Potions master was safely out of sight.  
  
The claim was ridikkulus, of course. But the poor boy felt lucky to simply have survived.  
  
~*~  
  
In the main hall, Minerva McGonnagal resisted the impulse to rest her pounding head in her hands. She had wanted to hurry up and get a quick bite of tea before the real racket started, but she had forgotten just how repulsive anything with eggs looked when she was sporting a hangover. She winced as Albus walked in. She didn't want to hear _anyone's_ voice right now, not even his.  
  
He spoke softly. She winced inwardly- was the man a bloody telepath? "Minerva." Was that a mischievous twinkle in his eye? She didn't want to know.  
  
"Albus." It was all she could do not to groan- his embroidered robes swayed dizzily in her vision and she wondered briefly how she could see with her eyes closed.  
  
Albus Dumbledore grinned to himself. To give her the potion now? Or to wait a little longer? But he knew the answer to that. Her grimace of pain must have been visible to the other end of the hall. "Now really, Minerva," he said, deftly replacing her glass of tea with the hangover potion, "drink your tea before Winky comes up here and starts crying."  
  
The Transfigurations Professor bit back a groan at the thought of a squeaky house-elf voice intruding on her painfully sensitive ears, and swigged the "tea." She wasn't going to feel better right away, like the normal potion did- it would take about a minute and a half. Albus picked up a pastry and nibbled on it appreciatively. "Mmm. Delicious. I must run, but _do_ try and eat something, Minerva."  
  
Exiting the main hall, he practically ran into someone, a not uncommon occasion in a school full of rambunctious students. "Why, Severus!" he exclaimed, clapping the dour potions master on the back. "I was just going to thank you."  
  
Snape would have none of it. He harrumphed. "Albus, that infernal man has _still_ not delivered my cauldron!"  
  
"Ah, well. That may explain the rather large pewter object in my study. You are quite welcome to it, you know."  
  
Severus almost called him a barmy old codger, but resisted. The last time he had done that, Minerva had overheard, taken offence, and slipped him a Polyjuice potion that turned him into the Headmaster for an hour. He had a healthy respect for the woman.  
  
He almost got past the infernal man, but he called after him, "Oh, Severus. I just wanted to thank you for that wonderful hangover remedy you've made for me."  
  
He knew exactly what the man was talking about. "The Evading Potion, you mean?" Best to give him hell for it- it _was_ slightly immoral. Not the man's style at all.  
  
It was Albus's turn to harrumph. "Well, I would not call it that, exactly... more of an evasive potion.."  
  
Snape sighed. He had, on Albus's request, made a form of hangover potion that tasted exactly like Minerva's favorite tea and was a tiny bit diluted, giving the Headmaster just enough time to flee the scene. There was also the Cheering Charm he had thrown into the mix. Not even Albus knew about that, although sometimes he was sure the man had guessed. Minerva with a headache was hell on wheels down stairs to deal with in the morning, even for him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
There! Some sneakiness, some dialogue, and a nice little cliffhang-thing in the Hermione/Maria conversation. *Smiles* Can you imagine those two as friends? Neither can I. But there should be some bloody good fights in here somewhere.  
  
A/N: Yes, I know the proper spelling is ridiculous, not ridikkulus. I just couldn't resist. 


	4. Further Things

This is the fourth of Maria Comes to Hogwarts, not to be mistaken with Minerva Flames Albus or Snape Dies in Horror or Maria Scares Gryffindors. My disclaimer... is probably somewhere. Maybe I forgot it. ;)  
  
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Maria saw the Granger girl walking towards her in the entranceway to the great hall and stopped to let the girl talk to her without having to deal with her Slythrin housemates. She had expected that she would get a response to the little gift- if from no one else, from her new Head-of- House. She shook her head. That would take some getting used to.  
  
"Hello. I'm Hermione. Can I talk to you?"  
  
"Yeah, I saw you. I'm Maria- good morning." Inwardly she winced. With that phrase's history in her family, she should never say that to a member of her own sex or the universe might get ideas. Firmly, she shoved it out of her mind. "The book, right?" She saw the Weasley boy (couldn't remember his name, ah well, he'll probably introduce himself.) get up and start towards them.  
  
He arrived. "You're a Slythrin. What're you trying to pull?"  
  
Maria raised one eyebrow and smiled softly. "Do you have a name? I'm Maria."  
  
Harry caught up. *Ah, yes, the scar. Brilliant of him, really- he'll never get a decent girlfriend so he won't have to get one killed in the battle. Glad someone thought of that.*  
  
With a bit of tardy British politeness, Ron introduced both himself and his friend. Harry held out his hand. "Pleased to meet you, I'm Harry."  
  
*Oy.* "Yes, I caught that." The Hall was still mostly empty, given the insane earliness of the hour on the night after the House parties.  
  
She looked around. She really couldn't afford to be seen by her fellow ...Slythrins... *God, I'll never get used to that* seeing her friendly with Gryffindors. On the other hand, these _were_ the three most interesting people in the school, excepting the teachers. Hermione solved her problem for her. "Well, Maria, I was just wondering why you gave Harry here "  
  
*-I can see him, you undersexed idiot-*  
  
"-a present, and how you got it into his room..."  
  
The boys both started. They hadn't thought of that, obviously.  
  
"What?" Ron raked his hand through his hair. "You were in our room?"  
  
Harry was itching for an excuse to curse someone -a Slythrin being nice was just too freaky- and he still wasn't completely over the whole Voldemort-is- chasing-me thing. His hand inched towards his wand. "You were where?"  
  
Maria was tempted to just tell them that they were amazingly immature and to go get lives, but then she'd have to explain why curses bounced off of magical shields, and Dumbledore would yell at her, and she would get notes from her parents. "You _do_ know that your room is connected to the floo system...?" Dumbledore might yell at her for this one, but it was all right. They couldn't get in too much trouble, right? "I tossed it through."  
  
Hermione mouthed wordlessly for a second, then started burrowing in her bag for her reference copy of "Hogwarts, A History," tossing books into the air. They floated.  
  
Ron looked at her in suspicion. "But why be nice to Gryffindors?"  
  
*Do not strangle. Do not strangle.* "Why be polite to anyone?"  
  
Harry actually picked up on it. "Polite?"  
  
*Thank you.* "I had no need for it, you very likely do, and I don't hate you."  
  
Amazed look from Ron.  
  
"Yet."  
  
Hermione waved a bookmark at her. "Why can't you not do that??!!!!"  
  
Maria sighed. And she had hoped to get some breakfast.  
  
~*~  
  
The headmaster looked behind him once, warily, just in time to be on the receiving end of a death-glare from his favorite Deputy Headmistress. Snape took the opportunity to stalk to the breakfast table, intent on intimidating some pancakes. Unfortunately for the dominance of the non- chaotic theory of universe, he ran into his newest student on his way there.  
  
~*~  
  
"Albus, you are insufferable and exasperating."  
  
He smiled. "I'm glad to see that you have your appetite back." He handed her a rather squashed but still steaming pastry from an inner pocket. She glared at him. Glared at the pastry. Then she gave up the ghost and started eating before she drooled on her robes.  
  
Eventually she finished. Once more seated at the High Table, she raised one eyebrow at the man, her graying hair accenting her cheekbones. "Albus, really. I expect such things from the students, but for the _Headmaster..._ well, I can only say... harrumph."  
  
He looked at her benignly over the owl that was preening his left eyebrow. "I have absolutely no idea what you must mean, Minerva..." the owl moved on, stretching it's neck to nibble at a strand of hair that had escaped his embroidered and glittering headwear. He tapped it lightly on the beak. "Now, there, Fawkes will be jealous, you know." The bird snorted and hopped up to perch on his hat, denting it into an absurdly amusing angle. He sighed and reached for the letter it had left behind on the table.  
  
Dumbledore had known that this letter would be coming, and roughly what it would say, but the profoundly irritating language the message was phrased in always amazed him. He read aloud for Minerva's benefit. "Dear Headmaster. I, Ralph Barem, the maternal grandfather of Maria Marilliti Barem, wish to point out that a purely magical education will assist no girl in finding a respectable marriage, or even a disrespectable (but by now expected) one, and that I strongly desire her to take only classes teaching sanity-involved skills like sewing, which I know for a fact she has long longed for, and cooking. Cooking is a required skill for a woman even in the Muggle world. I utter barbarians understand the importance of a man having timely, edible meals, I desire to know why a man that evidentially someone in the distant past before the onset of obvious senility deemed intelligent enough to run a school cannot. Are you gay, sir? I use the term in the traditional use of homosexual, not of "unreasoningly happy." Although I believe that ingesting poppy does have that side effect."  
  
Minerva snorted. "Poppy Pomfrey, Albus? Are you trying to tell me something?"  
  
A silver eyebrow raised. "Never, my dear. I am too firmly in thrall to wander."  
  
She frowned and blushed. Reprovingly, "Albus."  
  
He gave a long-suffering sigh. "There is, obviously, " he indicated the rest of the two-meter scroll, "more on the subject. Finally, I understand the origin of her mother's... unique... personality. What sane woman wouldn't take a few chances after having parents like those?"  
  
~*~  
  
In the Headmaster's office, Severus Snape, Potions master and incidentally a professor at Hogwarts, shook his head at the large cauldron currently making his life even more miserably unbearable than usual. A traditional Lifting Charm barely moved it; he was tremendously surprised that it had not (yet) dented the underlying rock of the Headmaster's floor. As it was, the carpets had been considerately moved away before the unwieldy object had been deposited, or t was entirely likely that there would now be neat, cauldron-bottom-shaped cuts in them. *"The cruelest cut of all/ being one in a friends/ Name; I renounce thee, boy." -S. Indigo* He determined to try a bit of Shrinking. He forgot that the said object kept all of its weight, and by some strange side effect of magic, gained twice it's mass. *Bloody...* Now there _was_ a dent in the floor. He hurriedly removed it to its former size.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ah, well, I think that's enough of an apology for the moment. I _am_ sorry about the wait; but it's called high school and finals, and I don't particularly think that any of you are going to argue too hard. Ah, well. Have a nice day. :)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And, for a bonus... well, authors sometimes write things that directly conflict with keeping alive any semblance of plot... so here is some of what I had to get rid of. For posterity.  
  
Outtakes- not in the order they appeared, though.  
  
Minerva interrupted. "Albus, aren't her parents named Date and Hurrok?"  
  
Hermione stared at Maria in shock. "So, you're half elf? How...? I mean...? ...Different reproductive systems..."  
  
Minerva chose that moment to glare suspiciously at the "new" DADA teacher. It wasn't as if he had any reason to be at the staff table- after all, do ghosts eat? No. Unfortunately, do ghosts change their personalities (or lack of ones)? No. Professor Binns smiled benignly at the bagels.  
  
"No, dear, Tuvok and Kate. However, this is not from her parents, but her grandparents. On her mother's side, actually."  
  
Maria stared back. "Half _elf?_??? Ah, well..." She could think of no way to explain her life history with less than a ninety-foot essay and an interview with a rather enthusiastic 80-foot intelligent dragon from another universe, so she used her heritage and raised an eyebrow. "You could probably put it that way."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ok, _now_ please review.  
  
Best wishes,  
-quail 


End file.
